Freedom

My husband knows that I love fresh flowers and he makes sure I have my flowers on special occasions and other “just because” times in between.  This morning I woke up to a dozen beautiful red roses for my birthday and cards from him and my cat. (yes we give cards from the cat. She also has an Instagram page @nylabittles). But I digress… When I took the flowers into the kitchen to cut the wrapping off the flowers to put them in water I noticed there was a sticker that said: Freedom.  I felt like that summed up the current state of my life and how I’ve chosen to live because I wasn’t always free.  It was a hard road to freedom but I’m here now and I love it.  My mind is free, my heart is free, my spirit is free… I’m just free to be me!  For the past 10 or so years I’ve battled with myself over how I wanted to live and trying to live the way others implied I should live.  It wasn’t until I decided to stop worrying about what people would say about me, that I began to feel what it was like to truly live in freedom.  Once you get a taste of the free life you will surely do whatever necessary to keep it.  (Remember Harriet Tubman? She was willing to kill anyone who tried to go back into slavery after escaping.  She couldn’t risk her life and freedom or that of the other slaves who had made the trek to freedom). Make no mistake I’m prepared to do the same.

I’ve spent the majority of this past year trying to regroup and reprogram myself.  A lot has transpired over the last 365 days and it has taken all my energy to keep me from saying and doing some things that although I would not have regretted them, it would have been detrimental to my new journey.  The biggest blessing of my life happened last November when I married my husband.  The initial plan was to have a big wedding but we later decided to have a small ceremony and dinner with 20 guests.  There were a lot of people who took serious offence to our plan because they were not included in the count.  They couldn’t understand our reasoning of who came and who didn’t and that’s fine.  We did what was right for the two of us and we have not and will not make any apologies for our decision.  Had this been a year or two earlier, I would have emptied the bank trying to have and elaborate wedding to appease everyone.  And for what?  For them to find something negative to say about that.  No thank you!  For years I walked around in what I called “the twilight zone”, not knowing how to get out.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was wrong with me but the reality was, it wasn’t me.  I extended my heart to people and believed in them and in their expectation that I had to do certain things or act a certain way, in order for my life to have meaning.  As long as I was abiding by the rules and catering to everyone,  all was well.  But once I began to listen to the voice inside and started to see things for what they really were, I saw the change in some people and the way they interacted with me.  Relationships that I once held dear to my heart started to fade away into the shade room.  The more I began to assert myself it seemed that more and more people would fall back from me.  I never thought that these relationships would abruptly come to a halt but the more I stood up for Joslynn, the more people showed the reality of our connection.   I was being used.  Point. Blank. Period.  As long as I was beneficial to whatever the need, things were great.  When I exerted that same energy on myself, I was treated as if I’d abandoned them and left them to die.  My motives, my spirituality and my loyalty were all questioned… all because in the words of others “I changed “.  YES, I did change but it wasn’t to the degree that was being implied.  The change was to refocus my energy on self preservation. People tend to view self preservation as being selfish when in reality it is very beneficial to everyone.  I received the most love when I was down, depressed, meek and “humble” but given the side eye, talked about and some just cut me off completely when I started walking in and speaking my truth.  My way of thinking has always been out of the box so it was a struggle for me all those years trying to conform to their views.  That is where my struggle came from – trying to change the very essence of who I was to please others. Of course I felt bad at first but my husband would always reassure me that I was doing the right thing and if people can’t see that then they get the finger.  I now know that everyone isn’t necessarily in your corner simply out of pure love of the relationship. There are people who connect themselves to you for the benefit of what you have to offer and the offerings aren’t always reciprocated.

Although the hurt and disappointment on the journey are real, I have no regrets.  I’ve given my all and have fought hard for my freedom and I’ll be damn if I allow anyone to have that kind of control over life in that manner again.  Last year I made the long, mentally draining trek to freedom and I’ve been nothing but abundantly blessed ever since.  There is nothing like living life free and clear of the control, judgment and scrutiny of others.  I will continue to do whatever it takes to keep remain free in my heart, mind and soul and I encourage you to take the necessary steps to do so too.  We only have one life to live and it only takes a moment and a decision to change things for the better!  Trust me, you can do it.

Live Free & Love Hard!

Ase.